Aficionados of films of the western genre, otherwise known as cowboy movies, would have thought they had stumbled onto the set of High Noon had they taken a wrong turn into Westminster at lunchtime today. All that was missing was Frankie Laine’s rendition of “Do not forsake me oh my darling” as Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell made his lonely way into the House of Commons for what may yet be his last Prime Minister’s Questions in the job he’s had for a handful of weeks.
It was standing room only as MPs, back from their latest break, gathered excitedly for the disembowelling of not just one of their own, but someone whose humiliation since “plebgate”could apparently unite members of all parties. Around the country, Old Rugbeians of a certain age must also have gathered for what they could only have dreamed of at school – the thrashing of “The Thrasher”. Ever since this soubriquet emerged, it was possible that the PM’s choice of chief enforcer might run into trouble, as indeed he did on the night the imperial bicycle was almost arrested. The full import of what was said between Thrasher and the law may never be known but the Telegraph added the useful information yesterday that, even before he proudly picked up that nickname at Rugby he was known at prep school as “Snotch”, a composite of Snob and Mitchell.
And so it was against this background that he made his way early into the Commons to tether himself to his seat knowing that his enemies were not just in front of him on the pleb benches but happily, in the best panto tradition, behind him as well. Having established a reputation for statesmanlike behaviour at recent party conferences, it was always going to be interesting to see how long it would take for the party leaders to resume normal service now that the most recent holiday break was at an end.
Luckily for all, sketch writers included , it was only a wheeze to catch Dave off guard and, quick as a flash, Ed turned unemployment into a question about police numbers and, from there, it was only a short bike ride to a question about Thrasher. Throughout this preamble, the object of the gathering storm had slunk deeper into his seat next to deposed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, “promoted” to Leader of the House in the same reshuffle, who must be getting enormous satisfaction out of the whole affair. Now he could only stare off into that space normally booked by Dave’s deputy Nick Clegg as Ed, egged on by his now happy members, gathered himself for the assault.
To add insult to planned injury, he worked his way into position by offering in evidence the words of the PM’s other favourite public schoolboy Boris Johnson on police matters. Had not the Mayor said yobs who swore at the police should be arrested, said Ed, to the delight of his side and the discomfort of the other. “It’s a night in the cells for a yob and a night in the Carlton Club for the Chief Whip,” he said, with all the pleasure of someone who had managed to successfully speak the off-the-cuff remark he had been practising for hours.
By now, Dave’s equanimity had departed in a cab for another location and paramedics put on standby as the Prime Ministerial hue changed to its now PMQ standard puce. Had he left it there, Ed would probably have emerged with all the points up for grabs at the weekly contest but old habits – and his apparently genuine contempt for the PM – die hard. He pointed scornfully to Thrasher’s cabinet colleagues and said they too wanted him out. “He’s toast,”said the Labour leader. This proved an insult too far for the Tory faithful who, whilst mostly sharing Ed’s view, weren’t going to take it from someone who they realised just recently may well put more than a few of them on the dole in 2015.
With passers-by no doubt becoming increasingly concerned at the volume of noise accompanying the reasoned debate, Speaker Bercow appealed for calm on all sides, but it was too late. PMQs staggered on, as did the PM, pausing only to have a hissy fit with Labour MP Chris Bryant, who wanted to read Dave’s private emails to Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson. The Speaker did try to inject some further life into proceedings by calling Tory MP and Dave-baiter Nadine Dorries but by now emotions had been extinguished and the lunch bell was due. Is Thrasher sunk or saved? Ed wins anyway.
Originally published in The New Statesman